No- 94 



DRAMATIC LIBRARY 

OF 

Acting Plays 

Printed from the Actino Copy, with Ke- 

I Ascription of Costume; 

Cast of Characters; Exits and Entrances; 

us ; and correctly marked with 

i hole of the 

as performed in the 
London and American Thealrea, 

WITH 

SI»I1tlTI-:i> i:*€i HAVINGS. 

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V. V.'t or t&e frXzvi anTi tfce Efflcr. 
scene if. 

Splasher. I'll try. {Takes him by the ear) 

Bob. Murder! mercy! 

Silasher, — What's your opinion of my tiuist, now, sir? 



g Turncr'g Sramatfc Hffararn. 

P. P.; 

OR, 

THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

3 t)iQl)!)> popular ffrucc, 

i\ ONE act. 



BY TOM PARRY, COMEDIAN. 
Author of Vamp Beds, 

CORRBCTLV PRINTED PROM THE MOST APPROVED 

ACTING COPT, WITH 

A ili Mrfptlon of tin- Coatame, Cast of the Characters, Entrances and 

Bxltt, Relative PodtlOM, ami tin- whole of the Stage Bu»ine.-<> ; 

to w/iick are added 

Properties ami Directions, 

AS JVOW PERFORMED I.Y THE 

LONDON AND AMERICAN THEATRES. 



RmhrllUhrtl with a Beautiful Engraving. 



IDhflaHrrpura : 

PUBLISHED BY FREDERICK TURNER, 
TURNER & FISHER, 11 NORTH SIXTH STREET- 
XrUi York : 
ll KM li i. I ISHER, 90 DIVISION M R 



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COSTUME. 



Modem Fashionable Dresses. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
The Conductors cf this work print no Plays but those which 
they have seen acted. Tlie Stage Directions are given from 
personal observations during the most recent performances. 



EXITS and ENTRANCES. 

"R. means Bight ; L. Left ; F. the Flat, or Scene running 
across the back of the Stage ; D. F. Door in Flat ; R. D. Right 
Door ; L. D. Left Door ; S. E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Up- 
per Entrance ; C. D. Centre Door, 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 
R. means Bight ; L. Left ; C. Centre ; R. C. Right of 
Centre ; L. C. Left of Centre ; X. Crosses. 

R. RC. C. LC. L. 

**• The Reader is supposed to be. on the Stage, facing the 
Audience, 



p. p. 

SCENE I. — An Apartment in the house of Mr Startle. 
Enter Chapi:, n. 

Crape. How am I to discover this mystery ? A chamber- 
maid's curiosity is on the full stretch — something extraordi- 
nary is certainly contemplated — an express sent off to (iunter's 
the cook — a quadrille band engaged — and the whole house in 
an uproar. My young lady knows not the cause. " We shall 
learn soon," says she, with the most provoking calmness. 
Dear me ! what little curiosity some people have : nothing 
interests them — nothing excites them. J hate such wishy 
washy beings. I've been in a twitter ever since seven o'clock 
this morning — tliore's not a particle of me that's not in sus- 
pence. My little toes have even got the fidgets! If I'm not 
relieved shortly, I shall be in a high fever. 

Enter Bob Buckskin, l. 

Bob. Fever! Who's got a fever? Have you sent for the 
'pothecary ? 

Crap*. Where did you spring from? You ought to have 
tapped at the door before you entered a lady's apartment. 

Bob. The door was open, Miss Crape, and there wasn't no 
'casion for a spring, seeing as how its no five barred gate ; 
so 1 trotted in as you see. 

Crape. Your language always savors of the stable, Mr. 
Buckskin — you don't polish mucha 

Bob. Don't 1 though f — look at master's boots. 

Crape. And now, may I ask— what brought you here this 
morning, Buckskin ? (audi) Perhaps he knows what's going 
on — I'll hilt him. 

Bob. The old itory — "Master's compliments, and to know 
how .Miss Susan is." I bave carried lii 
frequently, that it's always running in my luvul. Yesterday 



10 P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

I went to our saddler's to order a new set of harness, — my 
brain was certainly wool gathering, — for when asked by the 
man what I wanted. I began as usual — " Master's compli- 
ments, and to know how Miss Susan is." 

Crape. Well, we are going to have a great to do here to-day. 

Bob. On what account ? 

Crape. Well asked, Mr. dissembler ! You and your master 
are both in the secret. 

Bob. Are we ? 

Crape. Now, my dear Buckskin, don't tantalise me. There 
is a secret— an immense secret — and you know it. 

Bob. I'm whipped if I do. 

Crape. Sir, will you look me in the face, and say you don't 
know what is to take place in this house to-day 1 

Bob. Do you take me for a conjurer or a fortune-teller ? 
How should I know what's a going to happen ? 

Crape. Come now, be a good fellow, and tell me the truth, 
and I'll give you 

Bob. What? 

Crape. No ! — I'll not give — but you may take 

Bob. A kiss ? 

Crape. Oh! fie! I didn't say so: 

Bob. It was pretty near it. (aside) I don't know no secret. 
I must invent one. I never boggled long at a lie — here goes 
a plumper. The old gentlemen, Mr. Startle is going to be 
married to-day. 

Crape. What? 

Bob. What a long what. Oh! it makes you open your 
eyes a bit. 

Crape. Oh, this is beautiful news! — I'm so delighted ! But 
are you sure it's true ? 

Bob. I had it from the parson's own man. It's a real fact. 

Crape. So, Mr. Startle intended to astonish us. He spends 
half his time in plotting how he shall surprise people — his 
greatest delight is to take us unawares; but I'll spoil his 
sport — every body shall know it! I'll go first to Mr. Somer- 
hill — no, I'll tell the servants first — no, I'll run to my mistress 
— no ! 

Bob. (wiping his mouth) Miss Sally Crape, before you run 
away, recollect — 

Crape. Another time, Mr. Bob, I am in a hurry, (advanc- 
ing towards him) I can't stop any longer now. 



P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 11 

Bub. No — no more can I. (catching her in his arms, and 
hisses her) Oh! barley-sugar's nothing toil. Sally, excuse 
my familiarity; but after a kiss, one knows one another so 
much better. Sally, do you think my master, Mr. Splasher, 
"will ever marry Miss Susan ? 

Crape. It is impossible to say ; Mr. Startle rules their des- 
tiny — it will be as he pleases — he is imperative, and Miss is 
obedient. 

Bob. And do you think we ever shall — Oh ! I've a very 
decent place — good pickings, and pretty prospects. Shall I 
ever reach the winning post of your affections? 

Crape. Why, Mr. Bob, you never said so much before. 

Boh. And 1 don't know how 1 came to bring it out now ; 
but I'm rather up in the stirrups to-day. Talking of marriage, 
you see— the complaint's infectuous. 

Crape. How long have you been with Mr. Splasher? 

Bob. Rising eight years. I was quite a colt then — I\]r. 
Splasher broke me in ; and a very experienced hand be is at 
the whip. 1 gave him plenty of practice. 

Crape. Poor fellow! such harsh usage upon your first en- 
trance into life — 

Bob. No ! that wasn't the first go off. I had a false start. 
Mother 'prenticed me to a tailor ; but, when they told me I 
should never be no more than the ninth part of a man, I 
declared off" — no go ! 

Crape. The ninth part of a man ! That's a very small 
proportion — Then you went to Mr. Splasher ? 

Bob. Yes; but I found there that I had jumped out of the 
frying-pan into the fire. 

Crape. How ! 

Bob. Why, 1 an't no man at all now. 

Crape. What are you then 1 

Bob. I'm a tiger ! Mr. Splasher's tiger ! Whenever I mis- 
behave myself, he threatens to send me to the Zoological Soci- 
ety ; and, when I gays they won't admit me, I'm no tiger,— 
he gives me the whip that they may know, as he says, my 
genus by the stripes upon my back/ 

Crape, I could not have supposed Mr. Splasher was such 
a dreadful man! The next time I see him, I shall be ready 
to scratch Ins eyes out. 

Hob. How that would make him st.irc ! 1 don't mind a 
cut or two — I hi game ! 1 never calls out. Well, good bye! 
Master's ordered the cab at one. Sally you've iorgot what 
you promised me! 



12 P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGE*. 

Crape. You've had it. 

Bob. Being the first time, I did it very badly — let me try 
again. 
Crape. I won't hear of such a thing. 
Bob. Then I'll say no more abou» in 

[snatches her in his arms, and kisses her. 

Enter Startle, r. 

Start. I've caught you ! — So, so! [crosses to c. 

Crape. Undoie, undane ! I shall never again be able to 
lecture the servants for their flirtations! 

Bob. Hang him! — how he crept upon us! He must go 
with muffled hoofs! 

Start. Ha, lia, ha! What! I've surprised you! — how I 
enjoy this! Ha, ha ! This is a lucky omen of success for the 
intended manoeuvres of the day. 

Bob. Master's compliments and to know how Miss Susan is? 

Start. Who the deuce are you, sir 1 
Bob. 'Squire Splasher's tiger. 

Start. 'Squire Splasher's puppy — there's a crown for your 
tigership. Deliver my compliments to your master — inform 
him the lady is in excellent health, and request him not to 
leave home till I have seen him. 

Bob. (taking the money) You may consider the thing done 
and done on both sides. 

Start. Now, then, vanish. Stop — one word more. If 
your tigership thinks so make prey of all the petticoats in my 
family, I shall unleash the dogs, and give signal for a Royal 
Hunt. 

Bob. I shall go with a double curb for the future. My bit 
of horseflesh is at the door, therefore my master will receive 
your message in about three minutes and thirteen seconds. 
As to the peticoats, sir, I acknowledge I loves the dear little 
fillies — bless them! I'm no hypqcrite there ; — and now I'm 
off with a canter. [Exit, l. 

Start. Til j;ive that jackanapes a surprise before many hours 
are over. Crape, I'm shocked at your conduct — I thought 
you a pattern for the whole house ; — but Til look over every 
thing to-day — this indeed shall be a day of joy ! 

Crape. I declare he is rjui'e in raptures ! — and the man's 
been married before! [uside) If you would be kind enough 
sir, not to mention the little circumstance ! — 



P. P.; OR, THE MAN A\D TUE TIGER. ft 

Start. Not a word. Upon consideration you will never 
do so again, I'll not breathe a sylable of the matter, (getting 
close to her,) and thus I seal my promise. (Atter„j)t* to kin 
her.) 

Crape. No, sir. Should such a tiling become known, it 
might give offence to one who has exclusive right to all your 
salutes. 

Start. Now, what the devil floes she mean by that? If 
any thing should happen to baulk the sui p ises I mean to give 
it will be the death ot me. Run, girl, and tell my daughter 
Susan I must speak with her instantly. 

Crape. Yes, sir, I'll go. (Looks at him significantly.} 
(A.side.) Silly old man ! what does he want with a second 
wife ? [/ k7, h. 

Start. I don't half like the mysterious manner of that 
wench ! Can she know any thing? impossible ! I have 
been so close in the argument of my plans — so sudden in 
their execution, that I might have defied an Argus. All's 
right, I am confident, and this day will witness my triumph ! 
A special license is procured — the wedding dinner ordered — 
friends invited— and tiiis night my daughter will be .Mrs. 
Splasher, without a soul interested knowing one word of the 
matter. What a surprise for all pa- ties — splendid effect of 
Tny unrivalled tactics ' — Let me revel in the fond anticipation 
of my plory! — The delight of Snlasher, when he finds that, 
in a few minutes he will possess the object he has been sigh, 
log months for ; — the surprise of my daughter, when she 
i< ams she is so soon to become a bride ! — the astonishment of 
the servants; — the wonder— and admiration of all ! I am 
the happiest fellow in the universe! 

Enter Somi iuiim ., Si san, and CnAFE, n. 

Sns. I can scarcely credit what you have heard, Crape. 

Cr,ijn\ Depend upon it, it is true, Miss — you are to have 
a Mamma-in law. 

Somer. 'I his is most strange! Yt t the extraordinary pre- 
parations von tell me of certainly giv< a face to it. 

Start. (Don, i i..) Susan, 1 wish'd to — Ha! Mr. So- 
merhill here! I am glad to see you; you could not have 

arrived at a more opportune moment. 1 expect a few : 

to dinner; say, lhal 1 l.ave the additional pleasure ol VOttl 

company ? 

Somer. (rt.) Sir, you could not have proposed anything 



U P.P.: OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

more agreeable to me. I shall do myself the honor. Per- 
haps this little festival is in commemoration of some impor- 
tant event in your life ? 

Start. Sly dog ! A very important event is about to take 
place, sir. J see, by your anxious looks, that you are all dy- 
ing to know what it is — I shall surprise you. 

Somer, Forgive a friend's inquisitiveness; I am certainly — 

Start. On tenter-hooks, I know. Now, then, prepare for- 
wonder. 

Crape, (v. Aside to Susan l. c.) It's coming, miss ; mortify 
him by not seeming the least surprised. 

Start, (c.) Crape, leave off playing with that locket, and 
pay more attention. Now for it ! Susan, my dear why the 
devil do you whisper when I'm a talking ? I thought thatfe- 
male curiosity — 

Crape. Is oftener prated about than felt. 

Start. Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking; it would 
serve you right if I was to keep you longer in suspense ; but 
I'll be merciful ! What I have to tell you, is — 

Crape. {Carelessly.) In confirmation, I suppose, of the ru- 
mour of an intended marriage? 

Stan. Rumour of a marriage? 

Sus. (l. c.) Yes, papa ; we know all about it ! And I 
think it very naughty in you to endeavor to keep it a secret so 
long. 

Start. Every thing known ! {Drops into a chair.) Oh ! 
I'm a wretched old man ! 

Crape. Did you, sir, for a moment imagine that you could 
decieve us women ? Female curiosity, you know, is — . 

Start. The devil ! Oh, for a dose of prussic acid ! 

Sus. I hope my new mamma will be kind to me. 

Crape. nAd not snub the servants. 

Start. {Aside.) New mamma! What jest are they upon! 

Somer. I hope, that every happiness wil! attend you in the 
married state. 

Start. A hope crosses my brain ! (Aside.) Perhaps they're 
on a wrong tack. I will know the worst. You think, then, 
1 am about to take a second wife ? 

Somer. So report gives it out, sir. 

Start. Report's an unblushing liar then. Marriage the 
second time ! No ! I've tried it once ! Thirty years of it is 
quite enough in a man's life. It is not my marriage that will 
take place to-day — but Susan Startle's. 



P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 15 

Sus. Mine ! Oh dear ! 

Somer. Miss Susan's ! Good heavens ! 

Crape. Young Miss's ! Oh, Gemini ! 

Start. There's astonishment ! beautiful! I'm a happy old 
dog again ! Oh, delicious ! 

Sus. This is so unexpected, papa ! 

Start, Unexpected happiness is always the most wel- 
come. I've ordered a casket of splendid jewels as a wedding 
present, baggage! What a foolish, fond father 1 am ! Somer- 
hill, 1 shall expect to see you at dinner — (Cio.sses to n.) They 
are obsolutely confounded with astonishment — this is delight- 
ful! I haven't been so happy since the death of poor deaf 
Mrs. Startle. [Exit a. 

Somer. (a.) This is surely some horrid dream ! 

Sus. (c.) Alas, Somerhill ! there is too sufficient evidence 
of its reality. You know not my Father's eccentricity of dis- 
position. But who is he to whom I am so unceremunn usly 
allotted ? 

Cfape. (r..) Oh, Miss! It can be no oiher than Mr. 
Splasher ! And that little rascal, Bob Buckskin to misinform 
me ! 

Somer. One short month has not yet expired, iny dear 
Susan, since first 1 had the happiness of being introduced to 
you in compliance with your wish, I delayed declaring my- 
self to your father; but I think 1 should have dared to diso- 
bey you, had I known that Mr. Splasher was received in the 
character of a professed admirer. 

Sus. Somerhill, he was not received by me. He has oc- 
casionally visited us when he could tear himself from his more 
interesting companions — his do?s and horses — ar,d that but 
seldom. My heart is your's, Charles. 

Somer. What then have I to tear ? In the possession of your 
love, and backed by a handsome fortune — 

Crape. My dear sir, you mu4'nt stop talking here all day 
something must be done. 

Somer. Right, my girl ; deeds and not words must bo our 
motto. Adieu, dear Susin! (CrosMl to t.) I've HO settled 
plan, but go forth resolutely bent on doing something. I'll 
call at in St. .lames-street, for my friend, Kusile, of the I ■ 
in ease I should be under the necessity of cutting Spla»h«r's 
throat 

Sua, Prav be careful, Charles. 

Somer. Oh, doubt me not ! Violence shaO he my last re- 



16 T. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

sort. Adi«u, dearest! Soon will I be with thee again. 

[Eritu 
Crape. Come, ma'am; we are all in a pretty perdicament, 

[Exeunt r. 

SCENE II.— Splasher's Lodgings. 

Splasher discovered at table, in his dressing gowii and slippers. 
Breakfast, b\c. 
Splash. More than half the beef-steak unfinished ! the ale 
untaxed ; and but one roll consumed ! I'm assuredly going 
into a decline! This infernal London takes away the appe- 
tite ; and when a man can't make a breakfast he must be bad 
indeed! Chained to town in October !■— melancholy idea. 
And for what ? I o dangle at the elbow of a wench who can't 
make up her mind to accept the common title of wife, till she 
has been courted a certain number of weeks — so the old 
blinker, her latin r, says She is certaiuly rich ; and there- 
fore, canus great weight! But what sacrifices have 1 not 
made ! ( ut Doi caster ! Given up three weeks' popping at 
partiidj.es ; and paid forfeit to Jim belter, because couldn't 
ride my match! I mu-t tell the old one it must be P.P^— 
play ir [jay j h>r next week I have to attend Lord Leatheileg's 
shooting-paity, and 1 wouldn't miss it lor a bevy of wives. 

Y.nter Bob, L. 

You rascal, where the devil have you been all the morning? 

Boh. To "Id Start :e's, sir. 

SplaJi. For What, sin ah ? 

Bob. Your compliments, and to know how Miss Susan is, 

Splash. And who sent you? 

Hob. Oh, I went quite of my own accord! I carried that 
message from you about a month back, when Miss Susan hurt 
her little finger in playing the piano. They were so polite 
and Respectful, that 1 thought it was but handsome to go as 
often as 1 could. It was as good as ten shillings a week 
to me. 

Splash. Xow mind, scoundrel, if you ever dare go again, 
trithout my orders it shall be as good as a broken neck to 
you. 

Bob. Beg pardon, sir! Queer news from the country, sir : 
Johnson, the trainer, is just come up. 



P. P ; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER . 17 

Splash. Well, how's the stable ? 

Bob. That's very well, sir ; the horses are but middling. 
(Pulls out a book.) Here's the Hat. {Heads.) Republican— out 
of order ; Young Master — dead amiss; the General — has 
been on his knees ; and Sobriety— has got the stiggers. 

Splash. Awkward that — a prospect of loss. No matter — 
can't have it every way. IMy book for the next Newmarket 
looks well — must win, However 1 must make a short work 
with old Startle, for the sake of three thousand a year. 

Bob. (Still looking over the book.) The filly's your only 
chance now, sir. 

Splash. (Not heeding him.) She's certainly a fine creature. 

Bob. Uncommon clean about the pastern. 

Splash. There is but one fault— she has hardly spirit enough 
for me. 

Bob. Lord, sir, now I think she's over vicious. Why, she 
kicked our Dick in the throat t'other morning. 

Splash. The devil she did ! 

Bob. She's a good-looking animal, for certain ; but she has 
some tricks : a nasty way of throwing out her legs ; butoace 
fairly started she's a prime 'un. 

Splash. Of whom are you speaking, whelp 1 

Bob. Why, here she is, sir— '(Pointing t<> the book) — Miss 
Kitty, your three-year old filly, what's a i>oing to run to day 
at Newmarket. It's getting on for one, sir j shall I bring up 
the cab ? 

Splash. No ; tell him to saddle Rattler. I didn't ride above 
thirty miles yesterday — I want a little exercise. When will 
Johnson call ? 

Bob. I told him you would be at Tattersall's, and he'll see 
you there, sir. 

Splash. Discharge the tea equipage, and bring my boots. 
[Taking off his dressing gown. 

Boh. Oats, the livery-stable keeper, has sent in his bill for 
the week. 

Soiath. I low much ? 

Bob. Ten pound ten. 

Splash. Pay him. Ten guineas ! These horses draw the 
purse-strings, and run away with the shiners. 

[Exit into dressing room, c. 

Bob. Any pickings left] (Going (o tubte.) What a voracious 
appetite the governor has ! the best part of two pounds of 
rump-steak, and a couple of Yarmouth bloaters gone ' He 



f 18 P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGEK. 

beats me hollow — I didn't eat half so much at my breakfast ,. 
I'll take a feed while I can get it. (Begins eating.) The steak's 
tough — the tea's too sweet — and the ale is sour. 

Continues eating and drinking, while Splasher tomes jrom 
dressing-room nnperceiied by him. 

Muster has determined not to waste much. What a twist he 
has got ! 

Splash. I'll try. [Takes him by the ear. 

Bob. Murder ! mercy ! 

Snlu»h. What's your opinion of my twist now ? 

Bob. It an't altered a bit ! — I never felt such a twist! — 
You are tidy strong in the wrist, or you couldn't pull them 
four bays as you do. 

SpUak. Well bear it in mind ; and let it act as a caution, 
for the future, 

Bob. I'm not likely to forget it for some time to come: — 
My memory wont want the spur. 

Sploih. Once more get this room cleared ; and should any 
one call, I'm not at home. 

Bob, lie? pardon, Sir! — T quite forgot.— Mr. Startle re- 
(Jin sts you'll not go out till he has seen you. 

Sptmh. I'm to be seen by no one tlse then. Hang the old 
twaddler, what does he want ? I must endure the infliction. 
But if he comes with any more of his infernal surprises, I 
shall be tempted to tell him in the bitterness of chagrin, 
that I wont marry his daughter, — and that would surprise him. 
[Exit into dressing room. 

Bob. I'll order the slavey to take these things away. (Pulls 
the bell.) What a flighty chap my master is — he goes it above 
a bit— stretches out — he must clap on a martingale, or I'll 
be hanged if he wont be down some of these odd days — 

Enter Dusjer, l. 

Clear the course, Duster! — Bring up Mr. Splasher's boots ; 
and tell Joe, the knife boy, to run down to the stables, and 
order them to saddle Rattler for the Governer, and Virginia 
Ah me. 

Dust. Virginia for you ? 

Bob. Yes ; she's a quiet thinj. I'm vexed to day ; and 
must ride easy. 

Dust. You are very particular, Mr. Buckskin. 

Bob, I always was — and that makes me admire you so. 



P. P. .; OR THE MAN AND THE TIGER. It 

l)ust. Oh, Mr. Buckskin ! (As she is looking at him and 
simpering, she lets one of the plates fall.} 

Bob. There! — I knew if you looked at me you'd make a 
slip. There's eighteen-pence out of your four pound a-year, 
(Assists in picking tip the piece*.) Never mind ! put it down to 
P»ir. Splasher's account — [Kiit Dunster, with trnv t <Xfc. 
[calling after her.) — If that Jue don't go directly. I'll wring 
liis hears for him ! — Wuat a pain I've got in the side of my 
head! — Master's rather too free with his fingers. — If I were 
lost or stolen, he could recover me by describing my marks, 
Re-enter Duster , with boots, l. 

butt. Joe's off; and here's the boots. 

Bob. There's the real japan ! When Joe looks at them boot* 
dosn't he envy me, and think of his own insignificance! 

Dust. Joe has a great respect for you, Mr. Robert. 

Bob. So has every body that knows me. 

Splash. (Calls from within c.) Where's that whelp ? 

Bob. He wants Joe! 

Splash. (Within.) Buckskin! bring my boots you lazy 
scoundrel ! 

Dust. It's yoi he wants. 

Bob. I wish 1 was Rattler this morning — I'm bless'd if I 
wouldn't fling him ! Duster, don't go ; I'll be back in an in- 
stant ! [Eiit into dressing room c. 

Dust. That fellow's a genus — he has such a way of doing 
things. 

Splash. (Within.) Clumsy blockhead '. — Get out of the 
room ! 

Re-enter Bob percipitately from dressing room. 

Bob. There ! — I told you 1 should be back in an instant — 
I trod upon his corn while 1 was reaching the boot hooks ; 
and then — 

Dust, (i.) And what then? 

Bob. (u.) As quick as lightning I found myself outside 
the door. — Miss Kitty's a fool to him. 

[Rubbing his back. 

Dust. Missus is in the kitchen. — If 1 stay any longer she'll 
blow me up. 

Bob. Then don't go down to be blown up. Duster, if its 
your turn out next bunday, will you take a walk with me in 
the evening ? — Somebody's coming up stairs ! — It mu*t be old 



90 P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

Startle ! — If he sees me with a petticoat again, he'll be giTing 
the signal for a Royal Hunt! Duster, can't you bolt ? 

Dust. There an't a bolt in the room. 

Boh. Here's a mess ! — Get into that arm chair ; and don't 
stir, for your life, till I tell you! 

Duster sits in the arm chair ; while Bob covers her with his 
matter's dressing 

Enter Somekhill and Fusili. L. 

Staler, (c.) You belong to Mr. Splasher? 

■. Yes, Sir, but lie's out of town— gone down into Ox- 
fordshire ; and rides a steeple chase, at three o'clock this after- 
noon, with the Honorable Mr. Riskneck. 

Fus. (l. Aside to Somerhitl.) He can't be the intended 
bridegroom then. Your on the wrong scent. 

Somer. It may be thrown off. When do you expect his 
return ? 

. He has ordered his dinner to be ready on Thursday 
evening precisely at seven. 

SkNMTMtfc.) You are evidently wrong — leave 
your card, and — 

>fil,i>Ji. (Within.) Where's that scoundrel Buckskin? 

>SfMMr. \N ho is that calling? 

}'.,)!>. Some blackguard in the street, Sir. 

Splnslt. (Within.) Brush my coat, Sirrah ! 

Smier. Is that in the street, also 1 

Boh, No; that's in the next room. (Aside.) I shall nab 
it nicely for letting these chaps up. — Lie snug, Duster ! (r.) 

Spink, (Within.) Buckskin! — Buckskin! — I'll certainly 
break every bone in that rascal's body ! — 

Enter Splasher, from dressing room in his shirt sleeves — one 
boot on. 

You vagabond . — I'll — Ha ! Mr. Somerhill, where have you 
been this age ? — Very happy to see you. (Aside.} What the 
deuce brings him here? 

bomer. 1 am much indebted to you' — Allow me the honor 
to introduce to you my friend Lieutenant Fusile, of the 
Guards. 

Splash. Glad to see him. — You must excuse this dishabille; 
but really that fellow of mine is so indolent that — Get me a 
coat, sir. [Exit Bob, n. c. f. 

Somer. Presuming on a very short acquaintance, I have 



P. P,; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 21 

called to ask the assistance of your opinion in the purchase 
of some horses. Your vast experience and excelled judg- 
ment are proverbial; you will therefore favor me with 
your company at dinner to-day, to talk over the matter, prior 
to— 

Splash. Command me at any hour to-morrow, or the next 
day, or when you please; but to-day I am sorry I cannot ac- 
cept your invitation. 

Somer. (To Fus.) By all my fears, he refuses me! — it's 
plain. 

Fus. (Aside to Somerhill.) You must endeavor to 
keep him at home. — He's a sporting man. — Think of some- 
thing. 

Bob. (coming forward.) Here's a coat, sir! 

Splash. Did not I tell you I would never wear that heavy 
ill-built coat again ! — Bring me another. — Never mind, my 
dressing gown will do for the present. 

Bob. Your dressing gown ! — Hadn't you better put on a 
coat ? — You'll catch cold, sir. 

Splash. Am I to be obeyed? — Fetch the dressing gown — 
it's close at your hand. 

Bob. Your brown frock sits easy, sir. 

Splash. The dressing gown ! 

Bob. Or your favorite pea green, sir. 

Splash. Then 1 must wait upon myself. — You impertinent 
puppy — I discharge you ! — [Snatches at the dressing gown and 
discovers Duster. 

Dust. What will my Missus say ! [She runs off, l. 

Somer. Ha! ha! — ! — You must pardon my laughing, Mr. 
Splasher; — but your servant's denying you is now accounted 
for — this is far less dangerous amusement than riding a steeple 
chase with Mr. Riskneck in Oxfordshire. 

Splash. Laugh away, Gentlemen! — But it is not my 
bird. Do you think I should let her rly ? — No, no — I'd 
have brought her down. — This is some of your work, Mr 
Buckskin ! 

B>h. (r.. Aside.) lean guess the consequences. 

Fus. You are certainly detected, Mr. Splasher, in a little 
bit of smuggling. 

Bob. (Sheepishhi.) Will you put on the dressing gown 
now, sir ? 

Splash. No ; rascal ! As you took it to cover your BUS- 



22 P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

doing, continue it for the same purpose ; — the housemaid can 
make a counterpane of it. 

Somrr. An excellent present ! She'll need additional cov- 
ering as the cold weather advances. 

Splash. Cold ! Quite a West Indian atmosphere ! Cold ! 
I never feel cold. Custom requires that I should wear a coat; 
but, for comfort and convenience, I'd much rather be without 
one. 

Somer. {Aside to Fits.) A scheme has just entered my head, 
by winch 1 think I can confine hrm to the house. 

Splash. {Aside to Bob.) Have the horses at the door in five 
minutes. J shall find a time to settle accounts with you for 
this morning's work. 

Bob. 1 expect the balance will be against me. 

[GYfls&ss behind and exit l. 

Somer. I can't help smiling at your pretended indifference 
to our easterly winds. 

Splash. East or west, sunshine or snow, it's all the same to 
me. I'm out all hours and all seasons: tough and weather- 
beaten — (stretching out his arm) —As Shakspeare somewhere 
says, «' Hardy as the Nemean lion's nerve." 

Fu$. I perceive you have a scratch at the back of your 
hand ; was it done with the foils ? 

Splash. \o ; that's a bite. My terrier Scamp caught at 
Rattler's heels; he ftung out and broke the dogs leg; and 
"while I was strapping on the spliBts, the poor fellow mistook 
my hand for a paunch, that's all. 

Somer. Well, Fusile, I will take a gallop to circulate my 
blood. I'm below freezing point. 

Sphsh. Ha' ha! ha! . v hall I lend you a blanket? 

Somer. 1 should like to put vour boasted hardihood to the 
lest. 

Splash. Make it worth my while. 

Fus. I must confess I do not think that Mr. Splasher could 
go without a coat, cloak or jacket for an entire day. 

Splash. Will you back your opinion? 

Somer. I agree with you, Fusile ; before nightfall he would) 
be glad to cry "enough." 

Somer. What will you lay of that ? 

Somer. Five hundred pounds. 

Splash. Done' 

Somer. Done ! 

Fus. A fair wager ; I'm witness. 



P. P.; OR THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 83 

Splash. When is it to take place ? 

Somer. There's no time like the present. You are not to 
wear any more clothing than you have now on, and all the 
fires to be put out. I will not be too hard upon you. An 
hour or two will be sufficient — say nil six o'clock. Fusile 
shall have the liberty of looking in when he thinks proper ; 
and should you go out you must leave word whither you have 
bent your steps. 

Splash. Then I'm not compelled to leave the house? 

Somer. That's at your own discretion. I suppose you have 
no particular desire to lounge up Regent- street? 

Splash. And the bet five hundred pounds ? 

Somer. Kxactly so. 

Splash. (Shaking hands with him.) Ail right. (Aside.) 
What a flat! 

Somer. I have but one condition more — that you will pledge 
me your word of honor, not to mention this wager till it be 
decided. 

Splash. Oh, with all my heart. You'd better give me the 
money at once, Somerhill. 

Somer. Depend upon it your done ! I shall have a nurse 
and a doctor in readiness in case of any serious result. 

Splash. Pooh ! have a hogshead of punch ready. Make it 
a thousand, and I won't wear a coat for a week. 

Somer. Ha ! ha ! ha! Well, we'll leave you to your medi- 
tations. The wind is getting up, Splasher. We will look 
in again presently, though we are sure of a cold welcome. 
(.hide to Pus.) Bravo, Fusile ; our lucky star prevails — he is 
too much of a sportsman to give in. We've put a stop to the 
wedding! Good morning, Splasher! Shall we send you a 
fan? Goodbye. Ha! ha! ha! 

[Exeunt Somerhill and Fusile l. 

Spbsh. I did not think Somerhill had been such a young 
one. That five hundred is bagcred. To-day my match comes 
oil' with Leatherleg at Newmarket — Miss Kitty against Ban- 
dit—two miles — a thousand guineas; — and as old Startle 
wont let me leave town, I'll e'en make myself comfortable at 
home, and earn the five hundred. 

Enter Bob, l. 
Bob. The horses are ready, sir. 

Splash. Send them back, and order dinner at five— I shall 
keep house to-day. 



124 P. P.; OR THE MAN AND THE f ifiEfl. 

Bob. That's a quee: start — Why, he's got the uneasiness. 

Splash. Do this, and return in an instant. 

Bob. What a precious hard place mine is. I wish he war 
my tiger just for one day— how I would work him. 

[Exit Boh, l. 

Splosh, No more clothing than I've on now; — I'm not to 
wear my other boot then ! Well; the odds are in favor of my 
right k«r. Time will hang heavy — I never stayed at home a 
whole day but once in my life, and that was when i dislocated 
■my shoulder while hunting in Leicestershire. 

Bob re-enters, l. 

Bo)>. Dinner will be on the table at five, sir. 

Splash, Come here ; 1 wish to speak to you, sirrah ! 

Deb. (Asiae.) Now I'm going to catch it! 

SpLsh. As Somerhill says, it is rather cold today. Come 
liere, sir. How sleek and warm the rascal looks ! I don't 
see any reason why he should be more comfortable than his 
master. Take off your coat, sir. 

Bob. Lord, sir! I feels the whip quite sufficient without 
that. 

Splash. You know what you deserve; but this time you 
shall escape my anger. Off with your coat ! 

Bob. I've got the rheumatiz so cruel in this left wing 
sir. 

Splash. Am I to be obeyed? 

Bob. Well! (Aside.) 1 don't see no whip in the room. 
(Takes off his coat.) It's uncommon chilly to-day. 

Splash. Is it? lhen I must find a little exercise to warm 
you. Ah! I have it. ( Pulls forward a table.) Now, sir, leap 
over this table. 

Boh. It's quite unpossible, sir: I'm too stiff in the legs. I 
can run a bit on fair course $ but I never was a good 
hunter. 

Splosh. Then I must teath vou. (Goes into dressing-room, 
mmdbrvigt out a carriage-whip.) Now, sir — over'. 

Bob. I'm booked to break my knees. 

Splash. Over! 

Enter Mr. Startle, l. 
Start. Over? What's over? I hope I'm in time. 
■Splash. Glad to see you, old boy. 
Start. Thankee, thankee— Havn't a moment to spare—been 



P. f .; OR THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 25 

detained longer than I expected at — (Aside.) — No; I wont 
tell him I've been at the lawyer's — he may suspect. 1 wish- 
to see you at my house in two hours from this time. You must 
dine with me to-day. 

Splash. Can't! 

Start, You must ; or you shall never dine with me again. 

Splash. Excuse me to day, and I'll dine with you to-mor- 
row, and every day this week. 

Start. Now, or never. 

Splash. You have got some cursed surprise or other in the 
back ground. 

Start. Do you wish to marry my daughter ? 

Splash. As soon as possible. 

Start. If 1 don't see you to-day, you have'nt the slightest 
chance. Will you dine with me ? 

Splash. Well, then — if I must, damme if I don't — I know 
you will be annoyed when I do come. 

Start. It will be tile most pleasurable moment of my life 
■•—You're Lite this morning — 1 see you're not dressed. 

Splash. ( Aside. ) As much as 1 shall be to-day. 1 suppose 
it's only a family dinner ? 

Start, A fjuiet, snug thing. (Aside.) I'll not tc 11 hint 
there's company ; his astonishment will be the greater. I 
exj»ectyou ; be punctual. 

SplaA Suppose the rascally tailor had disappointed me, 
and I haven't a coat ? 

Start. That's a capital joke !— but you must come, if you 
had n 1 a shirt ! Splasher, give me your hand ; — you are an 
honest -fellow, and I like you. You are a rive bottle mm, 
and fit to be the sun in-law of a Duke. Susv shall be yours 
someday. (Aside.) How astonished he'll be by and bye. 
The Champagne shall flow to night, my boy be punctual i 
Oh ! Oh ! I'm a happy fellow ! Tol derol, lol, lol. 

[Eail tinging, r.. 

Splash. The Champagne, I think has been flowing already — • 
the old boy's forgot he hasn't dined: What aie you about, 
huddled up in that comer ? 

Bob. (i.. r. r.) Iwasonlv thinking? 

Splash. Thinking nf what '? 

Boh. How precious cold it is to be sure. 

$pjush\ lt\ likely to be colder. Now, listen to my ord.rs: 
— the cab to be ready in two hours — and to remain as you 
are. And if you put on a coat or a jacket till the clock 



26 p. p. ; OR THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

has struck six, you must consider yourself no longer in my 
service. 

Bob. Oh! [Groans. 

Splash. You've both your boots on! Take one off, sir. 

boh. It will give me the gout, sir. 

Splash. No hesitation — off with the left boot ! 

bob. Then the boot on the near side is to go off, sir — Oh ! 
[Bob reluctantly takes his boot off. 

Splash. I can't afford to lose my five hundred for a whim 
of old Startle's. So I must — and yet to go without a coat ! 
Give in then! No! — rather than that, I would present 
myself before the astonished family in cuerpo. 

Eiit, c. 

bob. I'm hanged if I don't think the governor's losing the 
little sense he has ! — First he will go out and then he wont — 
then he will, — then I'm to remain all day in this airy situa- 
tion ! I'm all of a cold shiver ! I've got a segar in my 
pocket — there's a botile of brandy on the sideboard, and I'm 
blessed if I don't stick to the kitchen fire. {Gets the brundy 
and drinks.) What a miserable life I do lead! — But it wont 
do to kick over the traces till I'm independent. Who would 
be a Tiger ? [Exit Bob, l. 

SCENE III. — Startle's Drawing room. Folding doors. 
Fnter Sisan andCriAPE, R. 

Sut. Somerhill not yet returned — the lawyers in the hou~e — 
visiters arriving — my father declaring I am to be a bride— 
and I am yet ignorant of the name of the person to whom I 
am assigned. 

Crape. Remain no longer in doubt, Miss; — take my word 
for it, Mr. Spla>her is to be the happy man. 

bus. Never, Crape; my father knows me not. My obedi- 
ence has been mistaken for a want of proper spirit ; but he 
shall find, where my happiness is at stake, 1 am not the pas- 
sive creature he takes me for. 

Crape. Do letine kUsyou, Miss ; —it does me good to hear 
a woman stick up for her rights! 

Sus. You are a good girl. Crape. 

Crape. It breaks my heart to think how ill we poor women 
are used. 



P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIG EH. 27 

Enter Startle, l. 

Start. Well, my darling, your poor, fond parent is 'lied 
with joy at the thoughts of your approaching happiness. 

Crape. Wretchedness, you ought to hove said, sir. 

Start. How dare you speak, Mrs. Pert} She will be the 
happiest woman in Kngland ! Have I not done every thing 
to make her comfortable ? — provided a proper husband for 
her? Not one of your white-faced, taper-wasted, dissipated 
London dandies, but a noble country gentleman, and as hale 
and jolly fellow as any in the three kingdoms. 

Sus. (c.) In the absence of Semerhill, 1 know not how to 
act. 

Crape. (Aside to Sus.) Why don't you speak, Miss? — 
Where's your spirit now 1 I wish we could change places for 
five minutes I'd pey him off in his own coin, and astonish him 
a little. 

Start. I knew I was right — she is quite overcome with the 
prospect of her good fortune. (A loud knock heard at the 
door, l.) Oh! that's the happy dog! — that's the jovial 
bridegroom ! I know his knock. Now then, girl, prepare 
for surprise ! — prepare to receive your husband, — Mr. 
Splasher. 

Enter Somerhill, l. 

Mr. Somerhill! — (sulkily) — I'm disappointed! — I scarcely 
thought to have had the pleasure of seeing you till dinner 
time. 

Sus. Ever anxious in all that concerns the welfare of Miss 
Susan, I wished to be an early witness of her happiness. 

[ Crosses to c. 

Start. I hate intrusion. (Aside.) If any thing else crosses 
me before dinner time, I shall be upset for the day. 

Sus. (Aside, and eagerly.) What's to be done, Somerhill ? 

Somer. (Aside to her.) Fear not, dearest! Splasher will not 
be here — he knows not of the marriage. [A loud knock. 

Start. Here's Splasher at last! 

Enter Servant, e. 

Ser. Mr., Mrs., and the Miss Jenkinses. 

Start. The whole tribe! — Shew them up. (Exit Servant l.) 
Dear me! Splasher's more than half an hour behind his time 
I'm getting uncommonly uncomfortable ! 



28 P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

[Enter Mr., Mrs., and the two Misses Jenkins, l.] 

{Introducing them) Mr., Mrs., and the Misses Jenkins,— ray 
daughter. Mr., Mrs., and the Misses Jenkins, — Mr. Somerhill. 

Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins. Delighted to see you. Every happi- 
ness attend you ! 

Miss Jenkins, How handsome you look, dear ! What sweet 
jewels! [Another knock, L. 

Start. Better late than never! I was becoming very uneasy } 
but now all doubts are at an end. 

Enter Servant, l. 

Serv. Mr., Master, aid Miss Jones. 

Start. Damn the Joneses ! Send them up ! (Erir S-rvant 
O If Splasher disappoint me, all my well contrived schemes 
will be blown into air, and 1 shall be covered with shame. 

[Enter Mr. Master, and Miss Jo* es, l.] 
11a ! Jones, glad to see you ! You know the Jenkins — make 
yourselves at home. 

Jones. Now charming the bride looks! (To Somerhill.) You 
are about to take possession of an inestimable jewel. 

Start. You mistake, friend Jones; that is nat the bride- 
groom. Mr. Spla>her will be here in a minute — (Aside) at 
leail I bop • so. (Another knock, l.) This is he, and all will 
yet go smoothly. 

E/<r<?r Servant, l. 

Serv. Mr. and Mrs Tomkins [Erir Servant, L. 

Start. My brain begins to turn! — some dreadful disappoint- 
ment awaits me. I ought to have dropped a hint to him that 
it \» as his wedding day, Jones, be the master of the ceremo- 
nies, and introduce these people to one another. 

Enter Mr. mid Mrs. Tomktns, l. 
As they come to feast, they may as well set to at once ;— 
while they are filling theii mouths, they'll not have time to ask 
questions. Jones, there's a cold collation in the next room — 
bring it forward. Now, Jones, see that my friends want 
nothing. (The Servants apen the folding doors, c. and bring for- 
mint a table ready set ; the visiters retire up.) My pulse is at 
120 ! (Takes out his Watch.) Five-and-forty minutes after the 
time appointed. I'm an unlucky fellow ! — a victim to my 
own contrivances. 1 shall be laughed at — (An outcry and 



P. P.-, OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 29 

loud laughter heard in the street, l.) What noise is that ! I'm 
in such a trepidation, that I shake like an aspen leaf! Some, 
calamity is certainly hanging over me! (A tremendous knock 
heard, followed hu a loud cheer, l.) What suspense ! — Is it 
°;ood or bad news ? 

Enter Seiivant, l. 

Serv. Mr. Splasher, sir. 

Start. I am saved ! 

Sus. I'm lost! 

Samer. Confusion ! this is indeed unexpected. 

Start. {To Servant.) How dare you toggle here, sir ! What 
was the meaning of that outcry below } 

Serv. Why, sir, Mr. Spasher drove up with a mob at his 
heels , — then he gave them money ; — then they cheer'd ! 

Start. Generous fellow! — Shew him up. (I. sit Servant, 
l.) Now, my friends, you shall see my son-in-law ! You may 
judge what a father I am in providing Susan with such a 
husband. (Aside.) How astonished he'll be when I present 
him with a wife ! — What a surprise ! 

Enter Si'LASin: n, l. in his shirt sleeves ; a boot on his right 
foot, and a red slipper on his left ; several large spots of mud upon 
his skirt and waistcoat. 

Splash. Well, how are you ? 

Start. I'm petrified ! [The rest laugh loudly. 

Splash. I'm rather out of condition ! — Ha ! Somerhilir 
didn't expect to meet you here. You see it's all right. 

Start. Will somebody have the kindness to wake me out of 
this disagreeable dream ? 

Splash. I will.' — (Cuts at him with his handkerchief.)—! 
told you you would be annoyed if I came. 

Soiner. But, Mr. Splasher, how was it you robbed the street 
of so large a portion of its mud 

Splash. Upon starting, a wide-mouthed griffin set up a 
horse laugh ! 1 twisted the whip-cord round him in an instant ; 
he replied, with a well-directed charge of mud — a mob col- 
lected — I cut right and left — cracked the whip — st— st — st — 
old l'rancer understood it, and spanked through them amidst 
a volley of mud as thick us a hail storm. 

Start, But old Prancer ought to have understood better 
than to stop at this house. .Mr. Ami-Mauia, the mad doctor, 
lives at the other end of the street. 



30 P. V.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 

Splash. Corae, no sulks, old one ! You've often surprised 
me ; and now I astonish you. Give and take, is fair play all 
the world over. 

Start. All my pleasant prospects are at an end. — (Aside.) 
1'rn a broken-hearted old gentleman — 

[An uproar is again heard in th$ street, l. 
What disturbance is that? Not another surprise, I hope! 

Jones. (Looking through the window, l.) Why, I declare, 
there are two men a fighting — a little one, and a big one. 

Splash, An even fifty upon the little one. 

Jones. They press upon him — now he fights through them 
— now he runs over here ! 

Splash. Huns, does he ? Then it's Rochingdam to a donkey 
against him. [ Voices heard disputing without, l. 

Servants. (Without.) You can't come in here. 

Bob. (Without.) Can't I though 1 I'll make my way any 
where. 

Enter Bon, t. in his shirt sleeves, aiid an old shawl thrown ove 
his shoulders — his nose bleeding. 

Splash. What the devil do you want ? 

Bob. Glorious news, Sir ! Miss Kitty's whopp'd the Bandit! 

Splash. Bravo ! 

Start. \\ hut an Amazon! 

Bob. The carrier pigeon, as you ordered, is just arrived at 
Fantail's with the news. 

Spiath, Twenty gunieas for the intelligence, Buckskin! 
We'll drink Miss Kitty's health in pint bumpers ? — (Fills out 
vine for himself and Buckskin.) — Now, Bob — three cheers ! 
hurra ! 

Bob. Huzza! — huzza ! — huzza ! 

Splash. I make free you see, Startle! Can't stop to talk to 
you now — Company must excuse me — I've an<»ther match in 
view ! Pen, ink, and paper, there ! — Two thousand guineas 
to day ! — Miss Kitty for ever ! [Exit r. 

Start. Another match in view! Miss Kitty for ever! Then 
he means to decline my daughter ! —I'll be revenged for this 
public insult. How dare you, Sirrah, come into my house 
without a coat ? 

Bob. (l.) You must put that question to master — it was 
his orders. I saddled on this shawl just for decency's sake ; 
but when I got out, how I was cheviedl — The boys cried out 
"mad dog '."and when I tripped up one of them, I caught 
such a rum one over the nose. 



P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 21 

Somer. (r.) Mr. Splasher's conduct looks more like in- 
sanity than any thing else. 

Bob. Wind me, if I don't think he's cracked in the cocoa- 
nut. — [Boints to his head. 

Start. You are right Mr. Somerhill ; such atrocious be- 
haviour must be the effect of delirium. 

Bab. It were only this morning 1 said the same thing ; he's 
been coming such queer pranks lately : ho wa»te.d me to 
jump over the table to-day. 

Homer. Did he not receive a bite from a dog ? 

Boh. Yes ; from Scamp, our terrier. 1 see it as plain as 
the distance post — he's got the Phoby ! 

Somer. It's a clear case of I lydrophobia f 

(Mrs. Jenkins shrieks, and faints. 

Starts. He must be secured at once ! I'll send to the 
doctor's at the end of the street. 

Bob. You had better ; for when he once breaks out, he 
lays it in — above a bit. 

Start. Ladies, pray retire to the dining room — the gentle- 
men will attend you. 

Start, lake care of Susan, Mr. Somerhill. — (Aside.) What 
a disagreable thing it is to be surprised? 

Splash. (Without.) Buckskin ! — orderpost horses — I'm off 
to-ni^ht for Berkshire. [Startle and Victors ran off c. 

Somer. You stay, Buckskin, and watch him. Should he 
become outrageous, we will be near to assist you Susan, 
depend on't, before supper time, 1 shall have your father's 
consent to wed you. [Exeunt SommerhUl and Susan, c. 

Bob. A pretty set of cowards they are to run away, and 
leave me to manage him. That's capital wine ! — I'll drink 
Miss Kitty's health again. — Here he comes — I feel a little 
nervous. 

Enter Splasher — a letter in his hand — r. 

Splash. See this letter is in time for the post. — Whiffler 
will have it on Thursday, and the thing will be concluded. 
This is an elegant dinner dress ! What must old Startle and 
his friend take me for ! 

Bob. (At the bark,) An unhappy lunatic. 

Splash. Ii's \cry ridiculous ! — But when they know all — 

Boh. They do ! 

Splash. They'll laugh and enjoy the joke— Ha ! ha? ha ! 

Bob. A. pretty joke ! There's a set Of grinders. How hor- 
ribly he iqninti 



P. P.; OR, THE MAN AND THE TIGER. 32 

Splash. I'm as thirsty as if I had been at a fox-hunt. Bob, 
Bob, give me a tumbler of wine. Let me see — Whiffler is to 
carry fourteen pounds extra — 

Bob. He seems pretty quiet now — I'll try him. If it's the 
phoby, he'll kick at the sight of water. [Splasher walk about in 
meditation, while Bob fills a glass with water.] 

Splash. Where's the wine ? 

Bob. Here it is. (Bob advances with the glass, cautiously, 
and in great fear.) He foams at the mouth already. 

Splash. What's this? Water! Ugh! You know I detest 
water, you puppy. [He throws the water in Bob'sfaee. 

Bob. Help ! murder ! 

Enter Two Servants, with a Keeper and Assistance. 

Serv. There he is ; secure him. 

Splash. Thai's easier said than done. 
[Splasher trips up the heels of one, andknocks another down. 
"What four to one ? Then I must try my speed. Forward ! 
Yoicks — Soho I [ Eiit Splasher, followed by Servants. 

Bob. Secure him, and send for his mother. How very 
thirsty I am. (Drinks wine) Shall I get my twenty guineas? 
Is a man's promise, when he's got the ph<iby, worth any thing ? 
iS'ow I'll think of that over a glass of wine, (sits at the table, 
and drinks..) Who is to pay me for a broken nose"? How 
foolish of the govenor to run mad ! At this particular moment 
too, when Kitty's done the trick. (Drinks.) What ashocking 
disorder ! I wonder wether they'll smother him between two 
feather beds ? (Drinks) It's lucky he didn't bite me, for he 
was always very snappish. (Drinks.) Well, a man can't die 
but once ; then I wont whine any longer — but I'll attack the 
brandy. (He drinks from the bottle.) How very weak I get in 
the legs; and I can't look straightforward for the life of me. 
Every thing doubles in the room; the table turns, and doubles. 
What paper is that ? (tukes the letter from the table.) Yes, it's 
a double letter. I'm tired of this : I shall go out, and take a 
turn. (He reels.) How uneven the floors are in these old 
houses. My throat's parched ; so is the bottle — quite dry. 
Where's my head gone to? W r hat a dreadful noise there is — 
Who calls Bob Buckskin? I'm a-coming. 

(He reels, and falls upon the ground. 

Splash. (Without.) Bob Buckskin ! 

Bob. Coming ! 



P. P. OR,; THR MAN AND THE TIGER, 33 

Splash, (Without.) Make haste, and assist the poor devil 
your master, Bob. 
Bob. Coming! 

Enter Splasher c.,with his hands tied behind him, and a white 
night cup on his head. 

Splash. So I'm seized with hydrophobia ! They have left 
me for a few minutes to compose myself. 

Bob. {Asleep.) Beware of mad dogs. 

Splash. That's an unnecessary caution to me. Thisissome 
scheme of old Startle's, and be curs'd to him. Bob, I say — 
(stumbles over him) — Upon the floor, drunk, and asleep ! (He 
kicks him.) Rise rascal ! 

Bob. Who calls me - ! (seeing Splasher.) What a frightful 
spectacle ! 

Splash. What brought you upon the ground, sir ? 

Bob. A swimming in the head. I've been subject to fits 
from the cradle. 

Splash. Get up, you drunken dog, and slaken these curbs. 

Bob. Give me your hand, and help me up. 

[Laughter, and noise of merriment. 

Splash. They're enjoying themselves below — making merry 
at my expense ; but I'll be even with them. (A clock strikes 
sii.) Six o'clock — Huzza! Somerhill's five hundred pounds 
are gone! Huzza! Shout, you scoundrel ! 

Bob. I sha'n't shout ! When you was in your scenses you'd 
never let me rest. Now you're mad, you ought to be quiet. 

Splash. Mad! — If my arms were free — Remember, sir, I 
owe you something. j 

Bob. You do— twenty guineas, and half-a-year's wages 
and as I don't choose to serve a man with the Phoby, you'll 
please to stick three months' notice in the bill. 

[The Band below strikes up a Quadrille, 

Splash* Oli ! if dancing is the order of the day, here goes — 
{Splasher starts off to the music — Bob endeavours to follow him ; 
while they are dancing — 

Enter Sumf.uiui.i., Startle, Fisile, Susan, Visitors and 
Servants with candles, c. 

Splash, Somerhill, I've won your five hundred. 
Sonur. Dearlj wo.i it, and you shall have it. 



34 P- P , OR, THE MAN AND THR TIGER. 

Splash. Thankey — thankey, you're a man of honors- 
give me your hand. — I can't take it just yet! 

Somer. Give .Mr. Splasher his liberty. 

[To the keeper uhoreleaves Splasher. 
t Splash. Now I'll be even with old Startle, (starts) Ha !wh» 
is that little wretched old man with an elephant on his head 
— Remove the mountain. {He knocks off hit, wig.) 

Start. Pinion his arms again. 

Splash. Look at the moon;— what does she say ?— listen f 
— All the world's insane ; and each man thinks his neigh- 
bour madder than himself. Why not trip up old Atlas by the 
heels and send the globe spining? (He trips up Startle) How 
are you ? my name is whirligig. Give me a bowl of lighted 
■ulpher. 

Hob. (upon the floor.) Give me a glass of Soda water. 

Start. What an escape you've had, Susan. By this time 
you would have been his wife! Mr. Somerhill, she shall be 
yours to-moirow morning ; and I'll never attempt to surprise 
any one again. 

Snmer. I know not how to thank you ! Mr. Splashers ease 
1 fear is hopeless. The money I've lost to him I'll pay over 
to a trustee. 

Splmk* No you won't while I'm alive to receive it. I am 
•• vane, though not quite so deep as you. (Sommerhill gives 
him notes) I see through it. I've been cleverly had— a sprat 
to catch a whale. I ought to call you out, Mr. Somerhill. 

S*t$. Shall 1 make arrangements? 

Splash. I'll not trouble you, Captain. A letter's off to Dick 
WhirHer, accepting his challenge to ride a match for a thousand 
Now, as it is P. 1'., I should not like to run the risk of paying 
forfeit You've all done the knowing one. (they laugh) Well, 
forget and forgive — that' the best way. But 1 have certainly 
been very ill used, I appeal to you — (to the Audience.) — May 
1 not hope for better treatment here? Your hands decide it 
.— 1 ask a laugh for the Man, and a roar for the Tiger. 



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